Communication Toolbox
There is no denying that communication in relationships can be tough. The good news is there are free, scientifically proven tools that can help you and your partner with communication, and they are not too hard to do.
If you don’t want to navigate this by yourself, you can even have someone teach you these skills in a marriage counseling session, life coaching, or couples communication workshop. Asking for help from these professionals will save you time, effort, heartache, and money (especially if you were to get divorced due to bad communication), and often employers provide free counseling services through EAP and other work-sponsored benefits.
We have always believed in utilizing these resources to help us proactively develop helpful and beneficial tools for our relationship, like proper communication techniques, versus wait for an issue to pop up and then seek guidance. It has always felt better to know we have regular, periodic “check-in” points on the calendar rather than wait for something big to happen and try to resolve something in the heat of the moment.
Resources
It’s easy enough to get started with a simple internet search for “communication skills for couples” or something similar. Plenty of websites like this one below will come up, and can even provide contact information for a remote, online counselor if you want to work with someone:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/5-communication-skills-every-couple-should-develop-0125175
While no single communication tool is right for everyone, over the years we have used one tool in particular that we have found helpful ourselves, called the Temperature Reading. Here is some information from the internet about it:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/tempreading.html
And if you’d prefer, here’s an explanation of it in our own words…
The Temperature Reading is a series of prompts that you talk through with your partner that are structured to help ensure clear and honest communication.
Probably the biggest key is regularity! Some websites (and there may be a phone app too) suggest doing this daily, but at this point we do a Temperature Reading about every 2 weeks (as part of Date Night - no exceptions!) and at the beginning of every periodic counseling session (to set the mood).
So... Here's how it goes. We usually sit on the couch together, or sometimes take a walk around the neighborhood, but have a dedicated time (no phones or TV or dog) to do the following. You take turns talking about each category:
"Are you ready to do our Temperature Reading?"
1. Appreciations (what do you want to share your appreciation for?)
Sandy: I appreciate that you... (ex. took out the trash this morning in the freezing cold)
Mike: I appreciate that you... (ex. took the dog out Saturday morning so I could sleep in)
Sandy: I appreciate that you... (ex. texted my sister and brother-in-law to check in on the new baby without me asking you to)
Mike: I appreciate that you... (ex. made a special dinner to celebrate my project finishing at work, it made me feel loved and special)
Sandy: I appreciate that I went to the gym for the first time in a month!.... (appreciations can be for other people too or yourself!)
This part goes on until we don't have any more sincere appreciations to share (we usually spend several minutes on this part). This part is REALLY important to be FIRST and be thorough, because it sets the mood for the rest of the Temperature Reading - psychologically it helps with lowering your walls. Be sure to use the specific words, "I appreciate..."
2. Puzzles (what might be "off" that you want to clear up?)
Sandy: Do you have any puzzles?
Mike: Ex. I noticed when you left early for work the other day you didn't kiss me good-bye. Were you just in a rush? or were you upset with me about something?
Sandy: Ex. Oh no, I'm sorry, I woke up later than I meant to and just ran out the door.... It was nothing to do with you. Sorry I forgot to give you a kiss... (more discussion as needed)
Sandy: Any more puzzles?
Mike: Ex. I appreciate that you're trying to cook more healthy recipes for us, but sometimes I'm still hungry after we eat and I feel bad making separate food later and eating in front of you...
Sandy: Ex. Do you want me to make bigger portions? Or what if we always have pasta or rice on the side - would that help?
Mike: Ex. Yeah, that would help. Is it OK if I still have a snack later too?
Sandy: Ex. Of course.... (more discussion as needed)
Mike: Do you have any puzzles?
Sandy: Ex. I know you had plans with your friends last weekend, but I really wanted you to be on the FaceTime call with my family. I don't expect you to talk to them every time I call them, but is it OK if I pick certain dates/times where I for sure want you to participate?
Mike: Ex. Yeah, can you give me a few days' notice though? And maybe try to avoid times that I already have something booked on the calendar (like a workout/class)?
Sandy: Ex. Sure... (more discussion as needed)
Mike: Do you have any more puzzles?
Sandy: No
Getting through any and all Puzzles is really important, because this is where you catch things early, before they become a big deal. And if the same puzzle comes up over and over again, we put a "hold" on the topic, and discuss it at the next (already scheduled) counseling session, so there's a 3rd party professional to help us figure it out! We feel there is no reason for us to continuously butt heads on the same topic. We’d rather meet with a professional to help us work through it constructively.
FYI - We tend to use this Puzzles section to make any "Complaints with Request for Change" that the websites talk about. Also, related to scheduling, we have a Google Calendar that shows His events, Her events, and Joint events, so we try to use that as ground truth for making plans and deconflicting schedules...
3. New Information (what's coming up or happening that needs to be discussed?)
Sandy: Ex. I have a Dr appt on Tues, so will need the car so I can drive there... (discussion as needed)
Mike: Ex. It's my mom's birthday next month, do you have any ideas of a gift we can give her? (discussion as needed)
Sandy: Ex. I was thinking of joining a sewing club, but realize that will take time away from us. It would be one night a week for 2 hours, what do you think?
Mike: Ex. I think that sounds great. I can plan to go to the gym that night during that time
Sandy: Ex. I appreciate that you support me wanting to try new hobbies (There are never too many sincere appreciations!)
4. Wishes/Hopes/Dreams
You can read the websites for more details on this section. We do this as part of setting Goals each new year - we each have individual goals, and we have goals as a couple also. Anything from reaching a financial savings target, to going on a relaxing vacation, to reading 4 books, to doing 5 pull-ups... We usually touch base on our goals (and how we're doing against them) a few times a year, at a Temperature Reading.
Disclaimer: This article is intended to be a general resource only and is not intended to be nor does it constitute legal or professional advice. Any recommendations are based on personal, not professional, opinion only.